My Response

Rather than finishing up my the posts I started two weeks ago, I have decided to instead respond to a comment left by someone. If you would like to view the initial comment please direct your attention to the eighth comment down on this post. Everyone, please feel free to respond, and if you do decide to comment, it would be great if you could do it here. 


I will finish up my post about Gender, Sex, Language and Respect next week before Passover starts.

Anonymous-

I have not received such a critical remark before, and even though I am hesitant, after some thought I have decided to respond publicly. I will treat this comment with respect, even though I feel I wasn’t given the same deference. 

In your comment, you make two different arguments. You first try to make a connection between girls not being funny and their divisiveness in the bunk, compared with the boys who you think are funnier, due to their cohesiveness as a bunk. You use examples about the girls such as, “tended to have more drama,” and “they formed smaller cliques and often, in groups of three or four, gossiped about each other.”  Where about the boys you say, “exhibited a stronger group dynamic,” and “we sat as an entire bunk and respected each other.” Secondly, you personally attacked me by saying that “I think [I’m] and expert, because I read a couple of article on heteronormativity or feminism,” and I should “reconsider [my] unfair, scathing criticism of boys at Yavneh.”

I would like to start my response with three examples from my own experiences on Kerem staffs. Just as yours don’t, these examples shouldn’t be taken as a universal indicator, because our differing experiences at camp are relatively limited, and generalizing either way isn’t fair. This past summer, one of the most drama-centric situations that I had to deal with happened in the boys bunk. There were two groups of friends that, whether the members of each group admitted it or not, divided the bunk, and caused unnecessary strife and hurt feelings. It turned into a joke, but it wasn’t. The joke was used to cover up the resentment that they had for each other. Collectively they would never admit it, but in one-on-one conversations, they told us that it deeply affected them. Because they were boys, they were not allowed to be labeled as “cliquey” so the issue was largely ignored, but if the same exact situation happened in the girls bunk, it would have received a lot of attention and generated extensive discussion to remedy the situation.

Second, this past summer, the exact opposite situation that you described – boys hanging out in the bunk lounge and girls hanging out in cliques - happened. When I was in the boys bunk at night, you would have a few boys scattered around the bunk, a few in the lounge, a few on a bed, etc. Some were loud and obnoxious, trying to pull pranks on sleeping campers. Conversely, when I would visit the girl’s bunk, almost every single one of them would hang out in the lounge together, before heading off to bed. The boys in this case were disparate; the girls, cohesive.

Finally, back in 2006 and 2007, I distinctly remember many instances when my boys did anything but respect each other. I remember when one camper came to a counselor crying because of a deeply personal and inappropriate criticism of the size of his penis. I remember a situation when one camper got so mad about a prank pulled about candy bar, that it took several lengthy conversations just to calm that camper down so that he could talk rationally. And I remember the tasteless, shameful, and downright ridiculous conversations about particular girls in the ayah. In all of these situations, where was the respect?

Neither your examples nor mine should paint a picture of what boys and girls bunks should look like. Every aydah works differently, and to pretend that you know what happens across the board is quite ignorant. When I built my argument, I sincerely tried to gain some perspective on the dynamics of the girls bunks. My comments and criticisms of the status quo are based on things that I’ve observed, discussed, and seriously considered.

I don’t really see your connection between cohesiveness of a bunk and being funny. Let’s not pretend that boys sit around the bunk giving constructive criticism to their standup comedy routines. I believe that boys are taught that they can only strive to be one type of person. With comments thrown around like “You’re so gay,” or “Don’t be such a pussy,” the idea that anything that deviates from the heterosexual, alpha male, is undesirable and gains momentum. The cohesiveness that you claim is in the boys’ bunk only goes against your theory of respect. If it does exist, it is only because of the lack of respect that molds boys into one particular type. If I were gay, I certainly would not feel comfortable living in the bunk.

It is also clear that every bunk/aydah/individual is different, and these situations arise on both sides, but the bigger goal is to create a camp environment in which cliquey/abrasive/demeaning behaviors are minimized or handled effectively and equally regardless of sex.

Your second argument, that “I think [I’m] and expert, because I read a couple of article on heteronormativity or feminism,” is ad hominem, plain and simple. I'm not going to play the "let's swap credentials game," because that's silly. You’ve completely missed the point I’m making by focusing on my worthiness and authority to make an argument at all. This is about encouraging people to think reflectively and openly confront each of our roles in making camp a more respectful place. I hope that you, along with many others, can join me. In doing so, though, we have to abandon the tendency to attack others. We have to insist upon respectful dialogue.

Thank you for posting this and sharing your opinion. It has helped confirm to me the necessity of what I am doing and made it explicitly clear that this post on gender issues at camp has merit. Individuals at Yavneh and the camp community as a whole must take this issue to heart, see beyond their own two eyes, self-reflect, and realize that they are not perfect.